My PhD Story

It was the 5th year of my PhD journey when i came to the writing class. The class was the first that i went voluntarily; others i previously attended were compulsory university courses. I didn't come for my PhD. I have lost hope and interest to finish it. Having written about 50% of the thesis, being stuck there for more than 2 years with still more to do and to learn i decided that quitting is what was best to do. But my interest of learning and writing have brought me to that class. The class that have been Allah's way to turn my heart around.

It was in that class that ive met others who were struggling in their studies. Except for a few that were outstanding, most were challenged with more hardship than me. Not that i haven't heard of anything like that before. In fact i have heard so many challenges in finishing PhD that it became justified for me to not finish mine; instead of motivating. But seeing, meeting and finally had the real idea of how some people had to struggle to do a task or to achieve what i can do quite easily made me realised how i have been blessed, and made me feel that i have been such a horrible, ungrateful, egoistic, arrogant and spoilt person.

I came home from that class with mixed feelings, but mostly of hatred towards my own self. Disgusted. I have taken so many things for granted, blaming others for my own underachievement, finding excuses that could save me from being the bad person. No one was spared in my effort to convince me that i did nothing wrong, and that not being able to submit my thesis as my fate. But that day, i was struck with a gentle blow of doubt that i have had nothing but excuses. A gentle blow, but enough to shake the entire wall of pretense i had been living. It was indeed the lowest point in my life, when i can't trust my own self to help me. I didn't know what to do. I spent hours crying for all the feelings of confusion and self loathe, terrifying my husband and daughter with the sudden and extreme show of weakness. I felt like wanting to go away and be someone else. I thought, if only i had a delete button and make myself disappear. But then again... Allah made me realise that i have something even better. We all have a restart button.

Then it began. For not trusting myself anymore, i started to open up and reach out for help. That was really, really hard. Being a proud person, (which i didn't actually realised until this stage) i had been putting on masks everytime i reported my research progress to my supervisor, telling him and everyone that i have everything under control and things were okay even when they were not. I hated to be seen as a failure, underachiever, or weak. But since i realised that i hated my own self, i thought that i shouldn't care how i look like to people anymore. So I began to take unprecedented risks of humiliating myself of asking all sorts of questions without reservation, requesting helps knowing that i may be refused of any, and braved myself to find faults in my own work. Yes. I have been too defensive of myself for my own good, and i knew i needed to change. But then i have another big problem. Even though guilt have returned my feeling of obligation to my studies, i still have so many to do and there wasn't much time left. And though i hate to admit, i was worrying what I will have to answer when people ask me how long did i take to complete my PhD. I mean come on, how am i to face people that ive been trying to impress that it took me that long? How slow or stupid will i be in their eyes? It bugged me so much I've consulted my SV, my parents, husband, friends and some other lecturers' for their opinion if it would be best for me to abandon ship, to swipe this PhD attempt under the rug and reregister for a new one. My pride was saying that I can do better and much2 quicker than this one. But amazingly, all those people have said the same thing. No one agreed with the option to quit. NO ONE. Though it seems like an endless ocean, they all pushed me to keep on swimming. And since i believe that they are the same people that i have been trying to impress anyway, i might as well do as they say.

So.. taking their words against mine, i kept my head down and i did all that i possibly can while juggling work and family at the same time. But my limit; my family will always have to come first. I would rather fail in my PhD than in my marriage, or in my relationship with my family. So I did everything humanly possible; stayed up late, reorganise awake time, harassing my SV (very severely), writing teachers, statistics lecturers, my husband and my friends. But honestly, the real struggle was actually against myself and my excuses. Oh they come so persistently and in even bigger form each time. But in the end, i did it. With the help of people around me, i finally managed to submit my thesis. It was neither in the way nor standard that i have wished it to be, but i did it. I know that this is how it was meant to be for me.

My PhD was a truly humbling journey. It dragged me down, only to show that things are more beautiful from here to see. It was a painful process to say the least. But, InsyaAllah.. it also left beautiful scars indeed.

Managing Four Important Times in Our Daily Lives

Salam Ramadhan to you, Angel.

I am resting at the dining table after settling the mountain of dirty dishes before going to bed. Its okay, i love doing it while listening to my favourite ustazah's tazkeerah. (In case you're wondering, its ustazah nurhafizah musa). By the way, our kitchen is so hot! I was sweating a lot and thinking of a quick wash before hitting the bed. Remind me to install a fan in our new house's kitchen ya. And i have put the rice in the rice cooker for suhuur later. So im enjoying the smell.. ooohh.. so yummy. Love the smell of rice cooked with some pieces of pandan leaves Opah gave us to plant.

Anyway, i was thinking of sharing here one of the things i learned recently from listening to tazkeerah while doing the dishes. I shared some of it with you before bed that day, but since it was already late, i didn't get to finish. So.. if i didn't get to finish it you can come here and read. If i get to finish it with you, you can come here for revision ya.

Okay. It was about the four most common times in our lives we need to manage our best, for us to improve our relationship with Allah, and to be successful in this life and the hereafter. They are;
1. Our bedtime
2. Our waking up from bed time
3. In times of challenges and hardship
4. Solat.

1. Our bedtime.
Rasulullah SAW have said that the smartest people are those who prepare themselves for their death. That means they prepare themselves for their lives in their hereafter (and all mu'meen - org2 yg beriman, believe in the lives after death). And everyone (especially you 😉)knows that "sleep" is aka "small death". And its a very common news that many have died in their sleep. So... it would be a grrrreat idea to start managing our bed time now, don't you think?
But.. What is there to manage?
Well, we need to clean ourselves;
a. Physically - brush our teeth, tiak2 masyam tu wash2 lah sikit.. put on clean pyjamas, take wudhu'... well... if we'd like ourselves to be clean and comfy when we're going somewhere fun like the mall or.. vacation, we'd like to be clean right. . So.. isn't where we're going when we're dead is more significant?
b. Our hearts - let go of all the anger, the grudge, the negative feelings. Forgive people. Will ourselves to forgive those who have wronged us the way we would like Allah to forgive our sins in the day of judgement. Forgive for Allah first if you can't do it for yourself. Forgiveness is never for the people who wronged you, sayang. Its for you, to be someone better, stronger, and most importantly, its for you to move on and focus on more important things in your life. It will be easier for you to find peace. And Allah favours those who are easy to forgive.
And then, ask for forgiveness from the people you love if you have the chance. Ask forgiveness from your husband. Most importantly, ask forgiveness from Allah. Pray to Him to clean you from all your sins. Remember and have faith that He is the Most Forgiving, Most Merciful. Never lost faith in Allah's mercy ya sayang. No matter what you do.. NEVER LOST FAITH that He will forgive you. Allah loves those who repent. Allah loves those who repent. Remember. Ya?
3. Set your mind for a better day tomorrow. Pray to Allah to make it a better day. Pray to Allah that He will protect you and your family, and with His Mercy, He will guide you through tomorrow.

InsyaAllah, if we strive to be prepared for our small death, we are also striving for the big one. And remember that Allah never miss even the smallest niyyah, let alone deeds we are doing for the sake of Him. We are praying to be amongst those He favours, right? We hope that we will be gathered in the highest jannah where we can see His face, where we could meet Rasulullah SAW, the sahaabah and the best women of Jannah; Aasiah, Maryam, Fatimah and Khadeejah RA. Wouldn't it be super cool to hang out with them as neighbours one sweet day? So lets start with what we can do ya.. start with number 1, managing our bedtime. Remember Allah like we would remember the one we love most; as our last thought before we sleep at night, and the first thing once we wake up.

Allah is Taking Care of You.

Masjidil Haram, Makkah.

Sayang mama, Aliya.

Cantik, kan sayang? Subhanallah... Its magnificent. I think so. If you think so too, say 'Subhanallah', ya.

InsyaAllah. This is where we (mama, abah and tok ma only, ya) are going soon, while you stay with Opah, Adnin, and everyone kat umah Opah. InsyaAllah, this 6th of October, 2011, mama, abah and tok ma will fly from KLIA to Makkah/Madinah (yet to be confirmed).

So.. Mama just want to say... Aliya ~ stay good, ya. As good as I've ever known you. I know you will be okay, happy, and will be having lots of fun with everybody kat umah Opah. You will have all the time you need to do things you've always want to do kat umah Opah. I'm sure I don't have to remind you what they are. I am sure you'll spend all your energy from sunrise till VERY early morning till you sleep again having so much things to do. If you feel hungry, tell Opah all your favourite food. Remind Ateh or Andak to buy Butterscotch so that senang whenever you feel hungry you boleh makan dgn air Milo. Easy peasy. Minum lots of milk (unless bila you batuk, kena banyak minum air masak instead, ya). And eat as you usually do. Alah. I'm sure you will be fine. Listen to Opah, Andak, Achik, and Ashoo. Do not bully them! Haha. And Not too much of anything, ya. Oh! During weekends, ibu pun balik juga dengan Adam. So boleh main dgn ibu dengan Adam. Oh... You'll do great, I know.

I am sure Allah is taking care of you. Even more now, as He honoured me and abah the invitation to His place. I am actually not worried of you not being okay. Okay okay.. I can't help but ONLY just a bit! haha (i never lie to you). Of course, you're to me, and abah - THE BEST BABY EVER!. And we love you more than anything in the world. Remember when i show you 'this much" and raised my hands sampai nampak ketiak? Even everybody in this world angkat tangan sampai nampak ketiak pun wouldn't match how much we love you. So of course, we can't help worrying a bit. But we believe, deep in our hearts, we KNOW, that Allah will take care of you. He always does. Even now, as I type this in, and as you lie here next to me watching the Beverly Hills Chihuahua on TV3. 

We are leaving for Makkah, to be closer to Allah. To get the chance to be a better person. Me, a better person, a better mother and friend, to you. A better wife, for Abah. A better child, for Opah, Wan and Tok Ma. A better sister for Ibu, Ayah De and Mak De, Andak, Anjang and Papanjang, Ateh, Achik and Ashu. And also Pak Ngah, Mak Ngah, Uncle Chik, Uncle Pik, Uncle Ming, Uncle Dan, and Cik Su. A better aunt for Adam, Am, Iesya and Adnin. All in all, a better human being, as a servant of Allah. InsyaAllah. May Allah bless all of us, accept our sacrifices in all forms, and grant us the Haji Mabrur. Barulah worth all the hardship for all yang mama and abah and tok ma tinggalkan here at home. InsyaAllah. Mama promise you, that I will do my best. I will strive for His blessings and redha. It is my hope that Allah would redha us jannah, the paradise that i told you about, the wonderful place, in the hereafter. I'm sure you will be there. You kan good girl? So I have to do my best to meet you there. InsyaAllah, sayang. Amiiin...

There is so much that I want to say. But I will write again soon. Now I have to go dulu. See you soon.

O I love you so, Aliya. MMuuuahhsss. :))

Happy 8th Anniversary

~Happy~

Pic's from Aunty Zubye's eyesofgrace.net.

8 years... Can't believe it. (yes, i know it sounds cliche. But REALLY. I mean it). And this year, I felt more love for your father than I have ever felt. And I am glad that he told me he feels exactly the same way for me. Alhamdulillah. Thank you Allah. I am blessed. I am so blessed. I must have been very good when I was little, to deserve all this. And I must say, that it took a lot from everyone of us, including you, whether you realize it or not, to be here as happy as we are now, today. So I thank you and your abah for this too.

I am not sure if this is the right time to make a note for you about marriage. But I am doing it now, anyway. Hope its okay with you. Because I am not sure if I would remember about this in the future. Maybe I'd get too busy, or anything... well.. better now before I forget.

My sister, aired her concern to me about getting married the other day. Questions like how would we know we are making the right choice, is it the best time, will we be happy..... Well, sayang. To be honest, no one could possibly know the answer, except Allah. Whom and when will you get married has already been written. So its not really up to you to worry over. But to be happy or not, is entirely up to you. You can work it out.

But if there is one thing that you could decide if you are to choose a husband, then choose someone who can lead you to closer to Allah. Choose someone who has strong foundation in Islam. InshaAllah, sayang. If his heart is sincere, if he is marrying you with fear to Allah, then he would treat you right, treat your children right. And you will be happy.

Well I know I could have done this through a better way, with a much more exciting presentation, but I guess I was rushing it. I need you to know how important this is. I don't know how to stress it more. I love you, baby. So much.

Sempurna

Kau begitu sempurna,
Di mata ku kau begitu indah,
Kau membuatku kan selalu memujamu,

Di setiap langkahku,
Ku kan selalu memikirkan dirimu,
Tak dapatku bayangkan hidupku tanpa cintamu

Janganlah kau tinggalkan diriku
Takkan mampu menghadapi semua
Hanya bersamamu ku akan bisa

Kau adalah darahku,
Kau adalah jantungku,
Kau adalah hidupku, lengkapi diriku,
Oh Sayangku kau begitu...

Sempurna.

Do they know? I guess they will never know

This is you when you were a baby. Born 2.87 kg, you were so small yet very2 inspiring, and you gave me the all the strength and courage anyone could ever give to me. I love you, Abah loves you, your Opah, Wan, and Tok Ma loves you and this is just to name a few. You unite us in your own ways, changed us in ways i never imagined. You made us feel like a better person, just by being our baby. Just by giving a chance to love you. YOU. A little baby.

All these blessings (and a lot others) come with a baby, once a baby is born. It doesn't matter what sex, race, colour or size. A baby's birth should be celebrated as it brings more than joy to this world. And the people honoured with the gifts are especially no other than their own parents. So it hurts me soooo deeply when TODAY, here in our country, newborn babies are dumped, left neglected by their own parents. Some are abused in ways i never thought humans could even thought of doing it. They disowned the babies whom are suppose to be the greatest gift they could have ever known. Do they know that? I guess they will never know the blessings and joy each baby been dumped, been left to die for them. Cause each baby is unique. Even siblings differ from one to another.

This is what happens TODAY, when education is for everyone, more than it was before. Today, when people are suppose to know a whole lot better about everything than the people before. Sayang, this is TODAY. I wonder what will happen in the future. I pray that things WILL be better.

I pray that you, and everyone of us will be protected by Allah. Please remember that Allah is watching us, ya Sayang. Because if you remember this all the time, InsyaAllah, you will take care of everything you do, and so He will protect you. Do you remember when you ask me what will keep the ghost away?

Rindu nya Nak Menulis Kat Sini!!

Aliya....

Mama sibuk sangat... mama penat. So many things to do but so little energy and time. Mama rindu nak menulis kat sini, mama rindu nak bercerita tentang Aliya, tentang kita.

Mama tak sabar nak tunggu until my phd work is over. Lepas tu... kita ENJOYS ;-)

Peringatan untuk Mama, dan Aliya. Thanks to Wardina Safiyyah

Salam, sayang.

Mama tak pasti yang ni bila Aliya akan baca, dan hargai. Tapi mama pasti yang ini peringatan sangat2 berharga buat diri mama hari ini, dan untuk Aliya suatu hari nanti. Harap kita sentiasa dilindungi Allah. Semoga keturunan, sahabat2 kita juga dilindungi Allah. Aliya jadikan ini pedoman, ya sayang. Ingatkan mama bila2 mama lupa. Dan jadikan sematkan ini dalam2 agar takkan hilang.

Mama ambil ni dari fb Wardina Safiyyah. Banyak yang mama belajar dari dia. Ini antaranya. Dia dapat ni pun from somewhere jugak. So thats why she began her notes like that.

 

"reminder...credits to abusyakirin.com....

“Wahai orang-orang yang beriman, peliharalah dirimu dan ahli keluargamu daripada api neraka, yang bahan bakarnya adalah manusia dan batu berhala. Di atasnya ada malaikat yang amat kasar lagi keras perlakuannya. Mereka tidak mengengkari Allah apabila disuruh dan mereka tentu melaksanakan apa yang diperintahkan” [al-Tahrim 66 : 6]

Saya sentiasa berasa malu apabila membaca kisah keluarga Stephen Covey. Beliau selalu out station untuk memberikan training. Jadualnya ketat. Tetapi Stephen Covey, mempunyai 9 anak dan dia tidak pernah terlepas daripada menghadiri majlis dan peristiwa yang penting berkaitan dengan anak-anaknya. Bukan suatu yang mudah untuk seorang American membesarkan 9 anak. Saya yang dua ini pun sudah pening kepala.

Abi Memarahi vs Abi Murabbi

Saya tidak suka memarahi anak-anak dengan tengking dan leteran. Lagi banyak kita menengking, lagi cepatlah bisanya hilang. Saya tidak percaya kepada pendekatan marah sebagai teknik default menegur kesalahan anak. Berapa ramai yang menjadi baik hasil siri marah di sepanjang usia membesarnya? Apa yang pasti, anak yang selalu dimarahi akan menjadi pemarah dan kemudiannya bakal memarahi anak-anaknya pula suatu hari nanti. Ingat, anak kita mungkin gagal mengikut kata-kata kita, tetapi mereka tidak akan gagal meniru perangai dan tingkah laku kita sebagai ibu dan bapa. Jika anak kita buruk kelakuan, jangan cari sebab yang jauh. Anak-anak adalah cermin wajah ibu dan bapa mereka.

Ya memang marah itu perlu, tetapi ia bukan pendekatan harian saya. Saya lebih suka bercakap dengan anak-anak dan cuba memahamkan mereka kenapa satu-satu perbuatan itu betul atau salah. Jika Nik Abdul Syakur naik angin, saya akan ajak dia ke dapur dan buatkan Tea o’ais agar dia ‘sejuk’, kemudian saya ke bawanya ke bilik dan kami berdialog.
Biar pun soalan anak bertali arus dan kekadang berpusing ke belakang, saya sentiasa setia melayan. Rasa marah atau letih, rasa mengantuk atau sengal badan, semuanya diketepikan dan saya mesti mendengar isi bualan yang ingin dikongsi oleh Nik Abdul Syakur dan tak lama lagi Nik Kauthar Hanan juga. Biar pun isunya hanya soal wonderpets dan logico. Itulah wasilah saya mendengar dan menunjukkan kasih kepada anak-anak.

Namun punca sebenar yang menjadikan saya tidak tergamak untuk memarahi anak saya, ialah kerana saya rasa berdosa kepada Allah terhadap mereka. Malah kesalahan anak-anak saya yang belum mumayyiz dan tidak aqil baligh ini kepada saya dan ibu mereka, tidak terbanding dengan dosa saya dan isteri terhadap mereka.

Masakan tidak. Saya telah memilih isteri yang solehah dan sebahagian cita-cita saya, agar akhlak mahmudah isteri akan tumpah kepada anak-anak suatu hari ini. Saya percaya, ramai dari kalangan kita yang melakukan perkara yang sama. Pendidikan anak-anak bermula dengan memilih ibu yang baik untuk mereka.

Tetapi tumpahkah solehah isteri kepada anak-anak? Turunkah baik saya kepada anak-anak? Sukar untuk menjawab soalan ini kerana orang sebenar yang membesarkan anak-anak hari ini, adalah guru di tadika atau pembantu rumah Indonesia. Alhamdulillah jika yang Indonesia itu orangnya baik, bersolat dan menjaga batas-batas agama. Bagaimana dengan yang berpembantu rumah seorang penyembah berhala dari Myanmar, Thailand atau Filipina.

Kita berjumpa dengan anak-anak ketika kita sudah letih. Kita sudah hilang seri di wajah dan jiwa malah bahasa. Anak-anak juga sudah mengantuk ketika saya sampai di pintu menanggalkan kasut. Bilakah masanya kita menumpahkan akhlak mahmudah kita kepada anak-anak?

Isteri solehah, tapi yang membesarkan anak-anak adalah pembantu rumah, guru nursery, dan entah siapa lagi. Ibu dan ayah di mana? Jawapannya mudah sahaja, SIBUK BEKERJA.

Janganlah disangka kita sudah menjadi ibu dan bapa yang baik hanya kerana makan pakai anak-anak sudah cukup. Itu hanya taraf lembu membesarkan anak-anaknya. Ibu bapa manusia ada tanggungjawab yang lebih besar dari itu. Soal makan, minum, pakaian, perlindungan, pendidikan, makanan emosi dan spiritual, semuanya mesti diharmonikan bersama bekalan yang tidak putus-putus. Apa yang paling utama adalah soal jumlah masa yang kita luangkan bersama mereka. Sudah cukupkah untuk meyakinkan mereka, bahawa kita benar-benar kasihkan mereka?

Tetapi zaman ini, zaman membesarkan anak-anak diswastakan kepada pihak lain. Kita sibuk bekerja dan kerja tidak pernah habis. Anak buat perangai mungkin semata-mata atas dorongannya untuk mencuri perhatian kita.

Ingatlah, dalam suasana kita hari ini, dosa ibu dan bapa terhadap anak-anak, lebih besar berbanding kesalahan mereka kepada kita. Insaflah wahai ibu dan bapa, jangan mudah melenting, sebelum cukup kasih diberi.

Saya ada tanggungjawab kepada anak-anak, anda juga sama. Anak-anak dan isteri saya, adalah mad’u pertama saya.

Jika kita dalam perjalanan pulang dari KL ke KB, kita singgah di Merapoh untuk Solat dan makan. Kemudian kita meneruskan perjalanan ke KB. Tetapi selepas 15 minit memandu, baru kita tersedar yang salah seorang anak kita tiada. Ketika itu kita kelam kabut mencari U-Turn dan mulut tidak henti-henti berdoa agar anak yang tertinggal di belakang, selamat dan tiada mudarat.

Ya, jika kita tercicir anak di perjalanan dunia, kita ada jalan untuk berpatah balik menyelamatkan keadaan. Tetapi berapa ramai ustaz, doktor, polis, jurutera, pegawai bank dan kita-kita semua yang ketika dalam perjalanan memanjat tangga kenaikan pangkat, kita tertinggal isteri dan anak-anak di belakang. Jika lebuh raya kita boleh berpatah balik. Tetapi jika mereka ditinggalkan dari Tarbiah dan didikan Islam, ketika kita tersedar yang mereka yang sudah jauh ketinggalan di belakang, apakah ada jalan pulang? Apakah ada satu lagi peluang? Jawapannya TIADA.

Jika ada lelaki atau wanita yang berjaya di dalam kerjaya, jangan lupa kepada pengorbanan anak-anak selama ini. Jangan lupa dosa kita terhadap mereka.

Saya hairan semasa membaca sabda Nabi SAW betapa tanda Kiamat itu adalah pada ibu yang melahirkan tuannya. Anak durhaka jadi kebiasaan. Mengapa suasana begitu boleh terjadi?

Akhirnya saya membuat kesimpulan, anak durhaka di akhir zaman, bermula dengan dosa ibu dan bapa yang sibuk bekerja. What you give, you get back!
“Wahai Tuhan kami! Jadikanlah kami berdua: Orang-orang Islam (yang berserah diri) kepadaMu dan jadikanlah daripada keturunan kami: Umat yang berserah diri kepada-Mu dan tunjukkanlah kepada kami syariat dan cara-cara ibadat kami dan terimalah taubat kami, sesungguhnya Engkaulah Maha Penerima taubat, lagi Maha Mengasihani.” [Al-Baqarah 2:128]
“…dan aku perlindungkan dia dengan peliharaan-Mu, demikian juga zuriat keturunannya, dari godaan syaitan yang kena rejam (yang dikutuk dan disingkirkan).” [Aali ‘Imran 3:36]
“Wahai Tuhanku! Kurniakanlah kepadaku dari sisi-Mu zuriat keturunan yang baik; sesungguhnya Engkau sentiasa Mendengar (menerima) doa permohonan.” [Aali ‘Imran 3:38]
“Wahai Tuhanku! Jadikanlah daku orang yang mendirikan sembahyang dan demikianlah juga zuriat keturunanku. Wahai Tuhan kami, perkenankanlah doa permohonanku. Wahai Tuhan kami! Berilah ampun bagiku dan bagi kedua ibu bapaku serta bagi orang-orang yang beriman, pada masa berlakunya hitungan amal dan pembalasan.” [Ibrahim 14:40-41]
“Dan juga mereka (yang diredai Allah itu ialah orang-orang) yang berdoa dengan berkata: Wahai Tuhan kami, berilah kami beroleh dari isteri-isteri dan zuriat keturunan kami: Perkara-perkara yang menyukakan hati melihatnya dan jadikanlah kami imam ikutan bagi orang-orang yang (mahu) bertakwa!” [Al-Furqan 25:74]
“Wahai Tuhanku, ilhamkanlah daku supaya tetap bersyukur akan nikmatmu yang engkau kurniakan kepadaku dan kepada ibu bapaku dan supaya aku tetap mengerjakan amal soleh yang Engkau redai; dan jadikanlah sifat-sifat kebaikan meresap masuk ke dalam jiwa zuriat keturunanku. Sesungguhnya aku bertaubat kepadamu dan sesungguhnya aku dari orang-orang Islam (yang tunduk patuh kepadamu).” [Al-Ahqaf 46:15]
Semoga akhirnya, kami benar-benar mendapat rahmat-Mu, sehingga Kau tempatkan kami di laman keredhaan-Mu, “Iaitu Syurga yang kekal yang mereka akan memasukinya bersama-sama orang-orang yang mengerjakan amal soleh dari ibu bapa mereka dan isteri-isteri mereka serta anak-anak mereka; sedang malaikat-malaikat pula akan masuk kepada mereka dari tiap-tiap pintu; (Memberi hormat dengan berkata): Selamat sejahteralah kamu berpanjangan, disebabkan kesabaran kamu. Maka amatlah baiknya balasan amal kamu di dunia dahulu.” [Ar-Ra’du 13:23-24]

Oh Allah, jadikanlah seluruh zuriatku hafiz / hafizah kitab-Mu, alim / alimah syariat-Mu, penghidup dan pembela sunnah Nabi-Mu, mujahid / mujahidah di Jalan-Mu, da’i / da’iyah kepada Mu… Ku adukan segalanya hanya kepada Mu!"

Happy New Year 2010, darling

Selamat Tahun Baru, sayang.

Tahun ni... just like Tok Ma told us, is a very important year to many of us. Uncle Pique is going to have his STPM, Uncle Min: SPM. Uncle Dan and Ashoo: PMR and Che Su: UPSR.  And ME: this year is suppose to be the final year for my PhD. I intend to keep it that way, as best as I could. Whatever it takes....

And this would means less words in this blog.. especially in the first few months where i would be taking time to adjust with new routines and schedule. There are just so many things to do...

But i would of course try my best to keep the important events posted in here. This i can promise you. So before i leave, here are some key stuff relating to you:

- You are still going to TKC for kindy
- You are registered in Mengaji Kelas... 5 days a week 2-4pm
- You are healthy as at today... and you weigh 20kg
- You are bugging me to entertain you and play with you Dora games at NickJr.com as i am doing this so i can not focus any longer.

SO later. Love ya baby.

Why am I doing this.....

My dearest Aliya,

So... You would probably wonder why I'm doing this? Its simple, really. Because I dont know until when I am going to live. It's not that I want to go early, but.. If my time comes, I want to be able to know at the very last moment of my life, that I've done everything I could possibly think of to help you face the world. They say its going to get harder everyday. And as far as I learned so far, what they say is true. What really helped me so far, is to have a strong foundation of who I really am. I believe that we need to know who we really are, the goodness inside of us, the people whom matters to us and those that once were. Our ancestors, history, are what made us who we are today. By learning our roots, we would also learn to handle today. By going back to my roots.. by going back home and find out who I really am, I was saved from being astrayed.

I have made many mistakes, had failures, difficulties, people that made them difficults, and also a lot of regrets that a lot of time, I wished I could go back in time and fix them. But we can't do that. But what we can do, is to learn from them. Always think of them as a part of learning to become someone better, every step of the way. Always remember, and have faith that everything that has happened and will happen to you, is for the best of you. And darling, remember Allah. He knows the best for you. Have faith on the path He has destined you to be. And have a lot of patience.

Darling,

I've always thought that the main thing to write in here is all about you. Your medical records, your school reports, your favourite stuff, everything, until you finally reach the time when you dont need me to remind you of things you know more than anyone else. But as i do this, I read an article by a man who misses his parent. His dad was gone when he was away. They have never been very close. They dont spend a lot of time talking to each other eventhough they did a lot of things together. When his dad finally died, he met his dad's friends and relatives he used to know, but already forgotten. When they talked about his dad and the things he used to do, he realised that there are more of him that he did not know about. His heart was aching to know about his dad, so he search everything he could find out about him. Nothing really helped much, as his parents moved a lot. The only things he had, was a stack of book his dad used to read. And that was about it.

So, I've decided to include your dad's history, and also mine. At this moment, I am not really sure how it would help you one day. But I hope when you need them, its here to be found.